Emptiness.

Lots of people and things revolving around me yet I feel something is missing. I don’t know what’s going on anymore. My goals look purposeless. My ambitions seem empty. Life seems doomed to me. Bonds feel weaker than spider's web. Friendships are hanging on cliff hanger. Falsehood is trading places with truth. My imagination is running wild but thoughts are too pessimistic. I simple can't make up my mind. I can't decide what  paths to walk on. My mind is set on too many things that I am confused about my feelings, and I can’t explain how it feels either. This feeling of emptiness, and the feeling that barely anyone is there for me and that no one understands me anymore. It's killing me.

Note to self.

I don't have to care what people will think or say about me and things I do. This is my life. It is my business. It is about my mistakes, my flaws, my lessons, my choices. I am the boss and I shall do whatever I want to. I don't have to bother about people who give titles or tag you because that's their dirty job. People will always hate. Always. They may hate you for the color of your skin, your sexual orientation, that you’re prettier than they are, that you’re uglier than they are, more popular, less popular, your religion, that you’re more successful than they are, that you’re less successful than they are, that you are a better student than they will ever be, that you’re a worse student than they are now, that you dropped a ball, you caught a ball, that you write better than they ever will, that you have a happy family, you have a bigger house than they do, your grammar doesn’t meet their standards, you’re taller, shorter, too loud, too soft spoken, and list goes on forever. But, I don't have to give a shit about people and things that don't matter. I need to live every moment in the moment. I can't let the hatred, envy or jealousy get my self down, or stop me from doing what I need to do. I need to enjoy my life to fullest and let them hate. Let them eat their own hearts out with envy. Let them choke themselves on their feelings of inadequacy that they project on me. Let their jealousy blind them. Let their fear narrow their world and destroy their own possibility of happiness. Do not hate them back, don’t give them any power in my life and don’t try to understand them at all.

Not my thing.

Is it just me or our memory actually seems to be fading away? Or perhaps the laziness is taking over. I think so. Honestly, memorizing a car's number plate or a relative contact number has to be the toughest task for me now. I'd rather use my camera to take pictures or save numbers in the cell phone. Because I can simply not rote learn it. I, unlike my mom, does not know much poems or short prose by heart. Where as, my grandmaa has way more capacity to recall details or quote something. It's not so ironic but what bothers me is the way my gadgets are becoming smarter every day, I seem to become apparently more stupider. No?

Grade nine.

Day before yesterday was my last board exam. Mashallah, the exams went ridiculously good and all I am expecting now are some kick ass grades. Just a few couple of days left and I'm gonna be in grade ten, which will be last grade of my school life and something I've always waited for. But my mind is not only flooded with thoughts about the new class that's coming my way but also the previous grade that's drifting apart. There's some much I've to say about grade nine. I am actually not sure either it ended up being a good year for me or a bad one. This year began when I joined the new school. I was terribly depressed and nostalgic about leaving my old school, the friends and the place which was no less than a home to me. On the other hand, I was nervous to reside in the new environment, worried to bond with completely new people and tensed about the looks and comments I was going to bear when people could call me burger or snob or whatever if they'd know about my old school life. Honestly, I had this kinda superiority complex and anxiousness that was killing me. I remember how initially, I used to spend all nights crying and cursing myself for my decision of changing the school. I remember how I used to believe that I'd never fit in with everybody cause I was discriminated for being alien to the new system. It was a terrible feeling, I tell you. I almost became a depressed creepy soul. Though, I am glad that a few people really helped me to cope and get over that phase. Although, I still regret changing my school and my enormous hatred for my school system still resides in me, however, I am quite thankful for a couple of good things that happened. I made a bunch of new friends, experienced new stuff, learnt lessons and became a sorta better person, I believe. May be what ever happens, happens for the best.

Anger.

Her eyes popping out,
Upper lips vibrating,
Jaws, sound-making,
Sweat drops on the forehead, shaking,
Brows shrinking,
Redness arising,
Hungry to shout;
To let the anger out,
Pulling me closer
Looking in my eyes deeper,
'Did you break the vase?'
She said.

Secret of Adam.

I ran away
From the gardens of Eden,
With the lust for earth
Along with my maiden.

But as I've heard
One day, we shall
Return back to Utopia
To flourish again.

Though eager , I am
To rebound in sheer bliss,
Because sealed are my lips
For how inadequate I am.

This poem's idea has been copied. I came across some Urdu verses a while back and decided to translate in English and rephrase it. So yeah!

Confession.

They might never realize this but I want to confess that I am cheating, yes. I am a liar and a dishonest daughter but I swear I don't like being this way. I hate hiding things from my parents for long. I hate telling them lies. But, is there anything else to do? I am dishonest because I don't want them to misunderstand me and find flaws in me. I don't want to see them yelling and screaming. There's something between us. It doesn't let us bind together. I keeps us away. It makes them think that I am wrong and makes me think that they are. It makes me want to lie about the tiniest things and get away cause they will never understand my issues. Our ways of thinking clashes. Yes, it is the generation gap! They see things from a different eye, they are totally different, they're narrow minded. No, I don't blame my parents for this because maybe that's how it's suppose to be. I can't do anything about it and that sucks.

Bitches have no friends.

Me: I feel like such a loner. I have no friends.

M: You are a bitch. Bitches have no friends. I can say that with experience.

Me: That I am bitch?

M: No, that bitches don't have friends. As far as I remember you were one and sadly, so was I.

Me: But the past has gone, nothing remains the same. We've changed, no? Why are we not even allowed to make mistakes without being judged? And we'll be punished for little crimes, that we've already confessed, for the whole life?

M: *nod*

Betrayed by words.

There is so much in my head, so much I am thinking about, so much I want to say but I often fail to express it. I can't put my thoughts in words properly, you know, the way I want to. I keep finding the right way but always end up with nothing. I keep having difficulties in penning down my feeling and what I really want to write. It's bothering me now. Is it just me or does this happen to everyone? So many flaws! I need to overcome this one soon.

Fuck life.

I am really bored right now, yes again. My language teacher once said that the strangest thing about this generation is the way we easily get bored. She said she had never known this word when she was of my age, she never knew what boredom was, she thought her life’s too short to be bored, and she always had something or the other to do. Maybe she was right. We’re often not bored but tired of the doing the same shit over and over again or maybe we just never feel blessed. Anyways, it doesn’t really matter if I am bored or what my current state is. The point is that I need to find what the point actually is. What is my life revolving around? What am I doing? Why am I doing? I mess up stuff myself and then I am whining about it. I keep stalking others, taking pictures of the most pointless things I come across, write poems and stuff that no one gives a fuck about. I keep thinking of how my life would be if I were living in other peoples’ shoes and I try to live in their moments instead of making my own. I am sitting right now, looking back at everything I’ve done and trust me I am very terrified. I have wasted such precious times. I’ve ignored so many words, people, invitations and things because I was too busy surfing though random websites. Is this even going to matter in the next 10 years or so? No. Of coarse not. What’s the point of my life? I make big aims, I look forward to people who’re tremendously successful in there lives but am I making an effort to make a difference in my life and to reach my goals and do stuff according to my ambitions? Honestly, not at all. It’s so humiliating. Even right now, I am just writing all this shiz because somewhere in  my head, I have a thought that this might make me feel good but all this isn’t going to make things better for me, is it? Life really is so puzzled and weird and pointless. I’d rather be a bird and fly far away. Seriously. I am such a mess, I swear. I don't think I will be good enough for anyone, and that really scares me. I came across this quote by Hamza today “What is thy life; utter confusion. Decades of ignorance shattered by a moment of realization!” I can totally relate to this.